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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2009.04.11  20.35 Here is something that pisses me off. But first, a disclaimer: I work retail. A WHOPPING 8.75$ an hour BEFORE taxes. I pay for everything except my car insurance and some of my rent. I pay for my medical and dental insurance, clothes, gym, gas, food, whatever. That? Leaves not a whole lot of money for well, much of anything, actually. Now, I am sick. SICK SICK SICK of people complaining about how they're broke, and then in the next SENTENCE talk about all this stuff they just bought. Craft supplies that you never use (scrapbooking might be the biggest waste of money EVER), trips to wherever, this cd, that cd, weed. Um? Did you ever think there might be a REASON you're broke? Especially if you're not paying rent. Come on. Come. Freaking. On. Thats like a fat person complaining that they're fat, and then loading their cart with Doritos and rolls of biscuits (do you  have ANY idea how much I want to eat a biscuit with gravy right now? ANY? Cause it's really freaking bad. Except I happen to maintain this thing called self-control).  Maybe if you limited your spending to necessities, you would a) quit being miserable b) save some money c) realize that you don't NEED the stuff you're buying. Seriously. I'm all for treating yourself. Seriously. I pay $35 dollars a month for a gym that I use usually 5 days a week because it's important to my well-being. I bought the new James Bond DVD for him because he wouldn't buy it for himself and I love him to death. I don't go and spend 3 paychecks on a cruise because I WANT to. Nor do I spend $30 dollars on a self-admitted unnecessary CABLE for my dj equipment, then have the balls to complain about how I can't out for sushi tonight because I don't have any money. Especially when I'm not paying rent, or health insurance, or facing maybe having to take out a loan for tuition. No dice. I'm not going to feel sorry for you. You are my BEST friend in the whole world, but I still think you are acting like a moron. Not only did your parents pay tuition for you to take a puff class after you graduated, they are paying for your apartment still even though you are in class ONE day a week. You can live at home. You had to get daddy to get you a job because you had NO job experience because all you did was party every summer.  Nor am I going to feel sorry for you because, again, you don't pay rent cause you live at the barn that you manage, don't pay anything on your truck, basically have to pay for food and your dog and yet have the audacity to complain that you're broke... then 10 minutes later mention how you smoke a bowl of weed every night before you go to bed. Seriously? You are one of my best friends from high school but you still are a dumbass. I dunno. Saving money makes more sense to me right now, with everyone's job kinda not stable and the fact that I eventually want to buy a house one day and/ or travel extensively abroad. That cable and that bowl of weed may not seem like much, but add it up. Seriously. Add up everything you spend outside of food and shelter (if you pay rent) and car stuff and realize how much money you're wasting. Don't get me wrong, in this economy people still need to spend. But spend smart. Seriously. Don't be a dumbass. Don't spend money you can't afford to lose. I hope the real world hits you hard, because you have no one to blame but yourself.

	2009.02.20  11.28 Dear world, Please let my bf get into a PHD program so he will stop freaking out. I'm bad at the whole "supportive" thing. Love, Kristen

	2009.02.14  12.43 Happy Valentines Day! Now. I love Valentines Day. Love. It. So much pink and glitter and pretty that I can't even stand it! The "cool" attitude to have about Valentines Day is to loathe it, despise the consumerism and b anti-capitalist. I get it. It's your opinion and I fully, fully respect your right to hate it whether or not you have a SO. So bear with me while I enjoy it despite that my boyfriend is ignoring it which I don't think he IS cause he called me yesterday and asked for my delivery address and this morning when I was moping that he was leaving, he told me he had to run an errand. It doesn't really matter, and it almost makes me feel guilty cause I hate that he's breaking our deal cause he loves me. Last time he had to run an errand, he went and picked up my Christmas present. But REGARDLESS! I baked all night and bought lots of crap for the table. I love Valentines Day even when I'm single, always have. So. I'm going to enjoy it, and I hope you do too! I love you! All of you!

	2009.02.13  13.34 I forfeited my priviledge to a Valentines day so that I wouldn't have to do anything for New Years Eve. That was a bad decision. I'm seriously, seriously pouty about it. V-day is my FAVORITE holiday! Not because I expect stuff, but because when else can you act like a lunatic with flowers and glitter and <3's and candy? I'm taking it out on my coworkers instead. I'm going to bake til I can't stand it anymore tonight. After I go to the gym cause I didn't go yesterday (but to be fair, I did go for a walk at Jacobson Park)(dude, gay guys cruise the park for sex and it is SO CREEPY to see them just drive around... and around... and around... looking for other guys to hook up with).

	2009.02.04  07.14 Dear God, See. I'm a girl. About once a month (minus those freak two months when this process didn't happen) I have this thing called a period. Sometimes I cramp, sometimes it just magically starts to happen. Those months are pretty okay. Those months where I cramp to the point that it wakes me up at 5:06 in the morning and won't let me go back to sleep and makes me writhe in pain? Not cool. The fact that my boyfriend is sleeping ever so soundly next to me because he has an 8 AM class? Even less cool. Making sure he has school even though the biggest school in the city canceled classes before 10 AM so he has to leave me cause he can't skip this class cause it only meets once a week? The uncoolest. Making sure I've lost my midol out of my purse even though I've already trekked outside in my PJs to retrieve it? That seems like grounds for some fighting words. Maybe this is your way of saying "get thee ass to the gym" cause we all know that exercise is a good cure for it. But seriously, enough with the cramping. We've all heard the joke about how humans are the only animal that bleeds for 7 days without dying... surely you've considered that kinda weird? Maybe at least make it so that we don't cramp? Cause it kinda sucks. You could have at least not made me feel like I was going to throw up. That would have been awesome. But. I'll live. Hopefully. Love, Kristen

	2009.02.01  12.52 1) There is no one online this morning and I'm bored and I don't want to clean my apartment even though it's a bloody fucking mess. Also, I have this weird and completely unnatural aversion to running the dishwasher this morning and I'm kind of wondering why that is. 2) If my scale says the same thing today that it said this morning, I lost 6 pounds this week. Which is awesome. I am so proud of myself for only taking one day off at the gym of the last 10 we've had. 40 to go. Super. I am not excited about that at all, but I would like to be back in the pants I wore in December 2007 by my birthday (May 2). I think that's an attainable goal. 3) I had a minor meltdown about my weight last night because some customer thought I was the other girl who was working at customer service, even though she's about 3 sizes bigger than me. I realize that we were both wearing a dark color on top but GEEZE, Kendall has way lighter hair than I do, it was pulled up while mine was down and... I'm  at least 3 sizes smaller than she is. I guess fat is fat but...seriously. I didn't need that. I'm not as big as Kendall and it's just not FAIR. I had a meltdown about it in front of Alan when we got home and I don't think he quite knew what to make of it. Kinda scared him, kinda made him think that I'm ridiculous. Unfortunately, people who have never had an eating disorder/ problem with their weight/ a girl don't get it and so them teling you to simply "get over it, you're fine" only makes it worse. 4) I've been watching what people buy at the grocery store recently. Now, my problem has never been shopping at the grocery store and buying foods I shouldn't be eating. My problem is Chick-fil-a and Chipotle. No joke. I attribute those two places in combination with Graeters Ice Cream and two terrible relationships with the extra 140,000 extra calories I had to eat to amass the 40 pounds I gained from December 2007 to Jan 22nd 2009. Anyway, people buy CRAP. Seriously. The people who are obese? They are the people with doughnuts and chips and frozen pizza in their carts. I'm not kidding. They little tiny girls in the yoga pants? Spinach, apples, skinless chicken breasts. There's a serious correlation between them, I've realized. Alan wonders why I never have any "real" food at my house... it's because I'll eat it all. I eat what I have, and if I have junk, I'll eat junk. People buy junk, they're going to eat it. 5) Related, people are calling for a nationwide healthcare system. Whatever, I think everyone has a right to basic healthcare and it's a serious problem when my first graders can't go to the dentist, cause God knows they need to after their parents feed them junk all the damn time. However, if people want managed healthcare, they are going to have to be willing to let the government manage their health. Oh yes. This is where the people who buy doughnuts and frozen pizza will freak out. This means that if the government is going to subsidize healthcare, they get to manage what people eat! OH! It's a beautiful thing. No more fried chicken and gravy. I'm not paying for your heart attack. I'm not paying for the time it takes you to recover from your heart attack because you made bad eating decisions. Nope. I think that if you want to receive the benefits of a government subsidized healthcare system, you have to meet body fat percentages that are acceptable for your age/ height. At the very least, if not a cholesteral check and checking for pre-diabetes. Did you know that diabetes is totally preventable in 90% of cases? Amazing. I think that's totally, totally, totally fair. If you disagree, tell me why, please. Because I think this is logical. I am not paying for other people's mistakes when I am going to the gym for 1.5 hours a day and eating blueberries and egg whites for breakfast. 6) I met Alan's friends on Friday night and they were super nice. I was so, so nervous. I hate meeting new people. I hate meeting new people who love my boyfriend to death and saw the collapse of the relationship he was in for 5 years and as a result, probably were a little guarded when he started dating me. But I brough lots of baked things (Cheesecake brownies, snickerdoodles, double chocolate cookies and lemon bars) and they were awesome. No sweat. That being said, it still makes me nervous to think about having to hang out with them again. 7) I'm having lunch with Erin today. That will be be fun because I love her when she's in a good mood, stressful because she had a panic attack on me because she broke up with her boyfriend of two years and then came to work, only to mention CASUALLY the other day that they were back together. What? She could have told me that ahead of time. Apparently they're going to couples therapy... she broke up with him about 2 months ago and went on a couple of dates/ slept with our head cashier. And then got back together with the boyfriend. Bad news. I don't understand. She knows he can't give her what she needs, she KNOWS that and has said it before. Sigh. It will be better once she graduates and can move away from him. As it stands, he lives across the parking lot from her.

	2009.01.28  05.53 I didn't know this, but apparently you can't use 4 wheel drive on ice. Who knew? Apparently it makes your wheels lock up, which is BAD WHEN YOU'RE SLIDING ALL OVER THE DAMN ROAD. have I mentioned that we have ice? yesterday sucked. Today... we shall see. Because I have to go into work. Uh huh. UK canceled classes and I have to drive to work. Now, granted, everyone who lives here knows what they got themselves into when they decided to live in KY. But... I dunno. It seems silly to open. Our payroll is already shot to hell because of yesterday. Seems like we'd just be digging deeper if we opened today. Just saying. I just checked my car and... no ice. My parking lot, which yesterday was one big ice rink, is just all wet and mush. I'd definitely recommend wearing rain boots instead of cute red quilted flats. Just saying. I wore rain boots. My flats are in my purse. Sleep was definitely not going to happen last night. I was all settled in to bed at like, 10 PM. Had just finished a book (Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs) and called Alan to say goodnight. Talked to him til about 11, which is later than I would have liked. He mentioned that the power was going out all over the place and that his lights had been flickering, Told him to call me if his power went off. So. Fell asleep, he calls me at 11:30 and tells me his power is out...so he finally gets over here at 12:00, wakes me up, so I go back to sleep at like, 12:10. Then my phone rings at 1 AM and it's Souma and he's freaking out about his gf and how they got into a fight because she doesn't like that I don't want to meet her. It's nothing personal, I just have a limited amount of time in Atlanta and you know... I don't really care about meeting her all that much. It's great they've been together for a year, but the fact that she's so jealous of me is really, really obnoxious. I do not really like it that she googled me, that's creepy. He feels like he's having to choose btw me and her... which is stupid cause I don't care one way or the other. Really. If he likes her, great. I don't have to. I'm 400 miles away. She has no bearing on my life whatsoever. Achoo, achoo. Off to work! ... Well, that was uneventful. Basically, we opened at 9 like always and closed at 11 so now I'm back at home. Awesome. I need a nap.

	2009.01.22  11.15 I've been to the gym pretty much every day for the last two weeks, eating right. Where are my results?!!!!! Something. Anything. Not asking for alot. Really. It took me a year to put on this extra weight, I don't expect it to melt off right away. But I do need SOMETHING to motivate me to keep going. Thats alot of food I didn't eat and logging about 1.5 hours in the gym every day. I did the math and figured out that I had to eat 140,000 extra calories for me to gain this much weight. I know exactly where it came from! Eating pints of Graeters ice cream, Chick fil a, and Chipotle. Just saying. I knew exactly what I was doing, but I didn't know how bad. Bad bad bad bad bad. But still. Something. The more I try, the more self-conscious I am about myself. That doesn't seem right, but whatever. I bought 4 pairs of yoga pants at Sam's yesterday. They were cheap, and they are super cute! Now I need to buy more sports bras. Such is life. I don't want to be the funny fat girl any more.

	2009.01.21  15.18 So my cell phone. I lost it. Somewhere between being in Rebecca's car and my front door. It might be in Rebecca's car, but I don't know. And I can't call her because... well, I don't have my phone. I am dependent on my phone more than anyone can imagine. And not having it is giving me a slight panic attack. Help.

	2009.01.16  11.13 Know what befuddles me? It's -2 degrees, feels like -12 here in the lovely Lexington, KY. And that doesn't freak me out. how does that even make sense? Normally, I'd be flipping my shit. This morning, I am totally like, whatever. I'm deciding if I want to go to the gym. The class is bootcamp and... I don't like that class, but I should probably still go swim or something. But... I hate not going to a class. It bothers me to do stuff by my lonesome. I wish it were warm enough to run. But it's not. I wish there were a way to read a book while running. That would be cool. Last night was so, so fun. Most people showed up and we had a blast. Alan and I went to Marikka's Restaurant for dinner and I had the three sausages and potato salad meal... heaven. Pepper, brat, and cheddar sausages. The Cheddar was my favorite cause it did that popping thing that sausages do when they are really juicy and full. Oh so good! Then we went to the bar to meet up with everyone. Todd is pretty much the coolest person on the planet. He's so chill and like, whatever. He moved back from NYC to take care of his mom. Dude, he's had pictures published in like, 10 different magazines. And worked at Beacon's Closet, which is a really famous vintage store in... Brooklyn? He's 34. I had no idea! Anyway, he's awesome and I was so glad he came last night. Erin and Rach played pool and they were really, really terrible. It was awesomely funny, especially when they asked the people playing next to them if they could borrow their "triangle thingy" (the rack) to set up the balls with. Lovely. So they played a game and the couple next to them asked if they wanted to play doubles. And bought them a shot. Alan was convinced that they were swingers. Hilarious. Our head cashier Rob has a certain bravado in his walk that is both really funny and really amusing at work, cause there's no need for bravado there; it just makes him look silly. But somehow it made sense at the bar last night, it almost fit in. Alan and I are such a weirdly cute couple I can't even stand it. Darrell finally showed up just as we were leaving, I love that him and Rach are dating, it's so cute! They were keepng it quiet and even I didn't know and they were flirting hardcore one day and so I told Rach "you and Darrell should go on a date!" cause it would totally make sense and she goes "um...... why do you say that? Who have you been talking to?" and had a really weird look on her face and I was like "WAIT A SECOND!!!" so they had already been dating for 9 days! Too funny. I've had a hard week eating wise, this week. I'm really, really trying to be good and getting back to the gym and it just hasn't worked all that well. Sigh. I've been to the gym twice, but... lots of events and dinners and things have gotten in the way of eating right. I mean, I've been really, really all the other times but... I feel like these are such huge letdowns that I have to start all over all the time. I was craving a double cheeseburger last night, but resisted. This week: Sunday night- Japanese restaurant, ate fried stuff Wednesday night- made snickerdoodles, ate 4 Thursday night- Marikka's, 3 sausages and a ton of potato salad, 1 hard cider and a fruity shot Today- Indian buffet with Rebecca and James Next week: Sunday night- Date night with Alan, probably eating out Monday night- dinner with Kimberly... maybe I can cook instead of us going out. That would be really good. Sigh. I just want to lose the 40 pounds I've gained in the last year. To fit back into those size 10's that I was so excited about buying last year. I decided that I need to buy some cuter work out clothes so that I don't feel frumpy, and probably some videos so that when I don't feel like going to the gym, I can just do them at my apartment. The guy who lives below me won't mind one bit... I'm super jumpy today and I don't know why. Also, I need to clean out my apartment. And buy a desk. And a corkboard. And do my laundry/ get rid of clothes that don't fit/get my life together. Someone know how to do that? Cause I sure don't. I need gloves. We're walking to the indian restaurant and I don't have gloves and it's 6 degrees outside. Time to get ready.

	2009.01.15  18.11 I am having a "what to wear" meltdown. Between two different shirts. WTF is wrong with me today?!

	2009.01.14  19.11 I went to the gym for real today. One hour of triplefit. I'm not going to be able to move tomorrow. That's not going to be fun, but it's okay. I've done it before. Made dinner for Alan, still waiting for him to get here since there's construction on Nicholasville Road. This is what I made: - Salmon burgers with lettuce, tomato, and onion on kaiser rolls (with whatever he wants on it) - manadrine orange/ walnut/ spinach/ poppyseed dressing salad - Sweet potato fries (baked, not fried) - Snickerdoodles Yum. Can't wait to eat, considering I haven't really eaten all that much even though I went to the gym. Sleeping is a good way to not eat, in case you were wondering. Ran into a woman that was in my class this morning, I super like her alot. Her name is Gail and she kinda reminds me of my next door neighbor with the same name, so that's nice. I like making friends at the gym. The little mexican woman came up to me today and was like "You have not been here! Where have you been?!" to which I replied "I haven't been here for three weeks! I've been, um, out of town. And lazy. Mostly lazy." She did not like that answer. Cutting onions suck. I always forget how much, but it's alot. I was bawling.

	2009.01.11  11.46 Alan came home last night! About 1. So happy. Work was fun. Got to talk to Glenn alot. He makes me happy, especially cause he is so level headed. He told me at about... 9:30 to quit worrying about where Alan was on the road right as I was getting riled up about it and of course, true to form, Alan called the store right then. His timing is impeccable when it comes to things like that. We had a couple come in at 11:01 (we close at 11)... they were druuuuuunk. The wife's eyes were super, super bloodshot (did I mention that she was the stereotypical desperate housewife... blonde hair, the whole shebang? Yeah. I'd be drunk if I were her too) and she told me that she was looking for a book about setting goals. She wanted a specific book but didn't know the title or the author or anything... all while she was stumbling around the clearance table. I had no idea what she was looking for and honestly, it was ticking me off.  So I found her book and the book the (also drunk) husband wanted and ordered them when she decided that she wanted a book of Robert Frost poems and a biography... it was geting close to 11:05 and we were CLOSED and I was so mad. I told her that they wouldn't be in the same section,expecting her to be like "oh well, you all are closed" and worry about it later but instead she was all like "well can I see them" so I took her over there and nicely said "Just to let you all know, we're closed..." and handed her the two books we had by Robert Frost. Next thing I know she's storming past the desk, telling me to cancel the order because I'm rude and that she'll just order them online and I hear her say to Steve (who is standing next to the door), "We're buying them elsewhere because she was such a smart aleck." Bwah ha? I was less than my awesome normal self because we were closed. But I certainly wasn't a smart aleck. People astound me sometimes. If I had thought about it quick enough, I would have gotten their license plate number or taken their phone number off the computer screen and called the police, because the husband was obviously drunk and driving away from the store. Oh well. Glenn had his lunch at 6:30, which means I go over there and hang out in music til he gets back. No big deal. Standard routine for me. I love Glenn (as I may have mentioned...) so I ambled on over carrying my sweatshirt and giant water bottle and made my way into music, looked up and there's Josh. Josh my ex-boyfriend Josh. That I haven't spoken to in 10 months. That doesn't know I dated his best friend. To say I was startled was an understatement. He's been in the store several times since then but I've always manage to avoid him but last night, it was inevitable. Not only did Glenn have to take his lunch then because otherwise it would have thrown off the whole lunch schedule, but I couldn't have turned and ran away because he already had seen me. Glenn must have noticed how thrown off  I was, because when he got back from his lunch he said, "You know... he was just as startled as you were. Just so you know." Makes me feel a little bit better, I guess. Also, I accidently threw a box of CD's at my manager. That was probably the funniest part of the evening. I had a calendar and French Language box set in my hands so that I could put them away, and on a whim I decided to fan Steve with the calendar so that a gust of wind would, you know, get him. Well, I guess I didn't have as good of a grip on the box as I thought I did because as my hands went down (rather forcefully since I was trying to make wind!), it flew out of my hands and hit Steve on the shoulder! Marty said the look of shock on my face was amazing. Oops. I'm glad it didn't hit him in the face, and the fact that it happened makes a good "Kristen tried to kill Steve" joke. All's well that ends well, but it was still funny. Day 2 of not eating stupid. So far so good, except Alan wants to go out to dinner tonight. Sigh. No good. Going out to eat is hard, which is why I don't do it. Too hard to calculate. Plus we'll probably go out on Wednesday and Thursday is Lisa and Erin's birthday. I just want back into my 10's. Why is that so hard? Because I hate everything and anything in SIGHT for 12 months, that's why. Oh well, we'll get through it. I want a kitten but can't really justify it right now since I don't know where I'm going to be in 9 months. Bah. I still want to go to the humane society but Alan will probably think it's too depressing. i was going to clean out my apartment today but he decided that he wanted to do something so... no good. I'm still in bed as I type this. Because I am the lazy! Whoo!

	2009.01.10  12.40 This is how I feel today. "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - When Harry Met Sally Any thought I had just flew out the window. Dammit. I have about 2.5 hours til I have to be at work, and I didn't get to make snickerdoodles cause I don't have any eggs that aren't hard boiled and I was too lazy to get dressed to go to... Rite Aid this morning. I started eating not stupid this morning. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, no question and it upsets me that I let food get the best of me. I hung up a pair of pants on the wall that I want to be back into by my birthday. My 10's that I wore the night I felt the skinniest, gallery hop night. The pictures are terrible but I was small. That's 40 pounds. 40 pounds I've gained in the last year because of stress. School stress. Boyfriend stress. Friend stress. Moving stress. Life goals stress. All that food didn't cure the stress, it added to it. Food stress. Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels. I listened to the book In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan. Changed how I look at food. I want to start baking my own bread so I know what's in it. I like the idea of buying organic but can't justify the cost. Read that book. It's so awesome. May 2. That's my birthday. I want a surprise party; I want to start celebrating my birthday but I don't want to be that girl who plans her own party. I'll be 23. Almost mid 20's. That scares me. That's the year that I feel like I need to make the big decisions. Moving. Jobs. Grad school. Tomorrow, I am cleaning the apartment. Cleaning out closets, the kitchen, gathering laundry to take to get done because I don't have the motivation to do it myself. That's the great thing about life. If there's a chore you absolutely cannot stand to do, you can pay someone to do it. I hate doing laundry because I don't have a washer/ dryer in my apartment and I feel stupid driving to the laundry thing because it's really just 50 yards away by foot. But laundry is heavy. I feel like if I got my laundry under control, I'd be alot less stressed. Plus I really need to clean out my closet because I don't wear most of the stuff in there. Like, 75% of it is too small, too big, stained from photo lab, ripped, worn out... whatever. The living room closet is still full of boxes that I never unpacked when I moved. I want a desk to write on, dream on, sit down and write letters on. I want a corkboard to create an inspiration wall. I want to quit being slothful and be energetic outside of work. I need to get my life under control. This clutter? Makes my butt look fat. Thanks Peter Walsh. Now I just need to find the energy to get the energy to do all this. Alan comes back tonight. I work with Steve and Marty tonight. It will be okay. Marty and I have been getting along really scarily well recently. Steve said my idea for using snowflakes for the new board was silly, then I came back from Atlanta and he had used it. That was funny. What was funnier was hearing the description of him sitting at the table and cutting them out. I figured out that if I figure out something for me to work on, no one asks me what I'm doing. No one nags me, plus I get to do something I want to do instead of something annoying. I bought lots of oranges and I'm pretty excited about that. Need to fight the scurvy. Also need to get ready for work. Meaning eat lunch (salmon burger, peas) and get dressed (already ironed my clothes!) and stop by Meijer to get my broccoli and cheese things and pudding. If anyone needs a wedding planned, I've got your back. I can't stop.

	2009.01.10  00.29 Right now, I am listening to my brother have a meltdown because he saw his ex-gf at a party. He loved her so much. And she keeps showing up where he is cause they go to the same school. Tonight, I found out two of my coworkers are dating after I suggested to Rachael that her and Darrell go on a date. At which point she told me that they haven't been apart for 9 days. Ha. I told Glenn that even if Alan went there, there was no way in hell I was moving to Syracuse, New York. Too cold. He looks at me and, knowing full well that I'm not convinced that I won't, says, "All I'm saying is that you'd better get a thicker coat." Yeah. Barnes and Noble, where your coworkers know you better than that. My store is my family, no question. I want to ask Glenn if he thinks me and Alan have staying power like him and Megan do. I want to know that I'm not crazy for being crazy about him, that It's not insane to be willing to up and move just to stay with him.

	2009.01.06  23.04 First day back at work was the best I could have asked for minus Steve making a snippy comment. Now I'm going to spend time with my boy, thank you very much. Good night! <3

	2009.01.05  23.01 Kaitlyn, Dorian and I went out to dinner Saturday night. I love those girls to death, even if I can't drink as much as they can. So much to say about that and I can't even form a proper sentence right now. Trivia tonight and while it was fun, I missed Alan so terribly I couldn't even stand it. Plus one of Brad/ Chad's friends was sitting next to me and was... way less than sober and kept yelling at the game. Have I mentioned how much I don't like drunk people? I don't like drunk people. More than anything, I'm ready to be by myself in my own apartment with my boy and my job and my daily rhythm that I don't have here. I feel out of sorts and lonely and cranky (part of that has to do with being on my period). But I miss my job, and my friends, and my boy more than anything. It's time to go back, my time there isn't done til August. I have to get up at 5 tomorrow to drive back. I'm excited to go back, not so excited to get up at 5, especially when I haven't talked to boy yet... yawn.

	2009.01.04  22.58

	2009.01.04  18.26 Lol I love you, MX. I do love him, but I also love the fact that I can say any number of things that tick him off (we have drastically different opinions on things such as... the role of academia in American vs. international society). It seems like we never run out of things to talk about, and it's easy and fun most of the time, sometimes downright hard when I have to be at work opposite the nights he is and the nights I'm not and he's not, he has to do schoolwork. Plus the part that he went to Tulane and he's a bit snobbish about that fact (that makes me a bit crazy). He has an infinite amount of patience. He loves me more than I think anyone ever has. I'm all too aware that it's a business arrangement, someone is always going to be a saver and the other a spender, and someone is always going to earn more and someone will always be expected to do more housework than the other, someone has to take care of the kids while paying the bills and getting the oil changed and waiting for the plumber. There's always something that will get in the way of "date night," right now it's papers (him), the desire to have friends outside the relationship (me), tests (him), work (both of us, but mostly me)... later on its going to be PTA meetings, work meetings, whatever. But I love him. I love being with him. I love telling him that where he went to school doesn't matter to me. I love snuggling with him. I love that he thinks I'm funny. I love how silly he is when sometimes people think he's super serious. I love trying to figure out when we're going to make time. I love fighting through things with him instead of against him. I think that might mean something.

	2009.01.02  21.54 Today Tonight, Jordan got married. We've been through alot together, from the fluffy things of childhood- dressing up and watching salute your shorts and clarissa explains it all, to her performances in the nutcracker and American Girl teas, to having to deal with grown up stuff- her dad's affair that broke the family apart, bad boyfriends, unrequited loves, the death of the man her mom thought was going to marry in a plane crash. Same high school, same neighborhood, sometimes the same church... she's married now, as of 6:30 PM EST. Her dad wasn't at the wedding, I didnt expect him to be, her grandfather gave her away. Not going to lie, I had been dreading this wedding. I hate weddings. Or I thought I did. I thought they changed people, thought marriage... would change people. Thought a wedding was a big, unnecessary mess. Take the money and run. Instead, I found that Jordan was still Jordan, still small, still slightly awkward, still a dancer at heart. I cried every time she spoke during the ceremony, when she came down the aisle, when she was toasted, when I saw her see me across the room during her first dance. She's one of my oldest friends, even though we haven't been close in years. She's one of my oldest friends, but she's the newest and most down to earth example I have of someone my age getting married, and I guess in some way that makes it more manageable. It's not so lofty and... something that terrifies me. It makes more real, more something I could do and with the right person, make it work. Something that wasn't so hard to do once you get over your selfishness of wanting to live your life your own way.  It also made me realize how much I love Alan. It kinda frightened me. I'm still not sold on the idea of a LDR. Hate the idea. But...it made me realize that for now, I love him, and that's what matters.

	2008.12.31  23.05 While I'm waiting for Alan to come back... 9 for '09: 1. Take it one day at a time. 2. Find something to keep me from feeling like I'm in a rut, expand my horizons 3. Bake more 4. Keep a journal. Every day. Even if its three sentences. 5. Read more instead of making a mess of the internet. 6. Try to have more patience. 7. Track where my money goes (seriously...where does it go?!) 8. Get my apartment clean and organized 9. Join WW again, but not with a specific goal. Just do the best I can. Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow;The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true.- Tennyson

	2008.12.30  11.46 I don't normally make New Years Resolutions... but this year, I kinda want to. 9 for '09! To be continued...

	2008.12.24  13.11 Some things: * I am home. This involves my mom being surprised that my brother ate an entire cookie sheet of cookies while she was at a party. It was amusing. * I work in retail. During Christmas. It's awesome. Most of my customers,minus TWO today, have been really super nice. Seriously, I only had TWO that sucked the whole season. Some notable moments of this week:     1. The man who came up to me asking for "little bottles of things"... me: "what kind of little bottles of things?" the man: I don't know, someone just told me to come to the bookstore and get the little bottles of things to which I replied, "well, the only little bottles of things we have are the drinks in cafe" to which he replied, "no, that's not it" and then stood there staring at me like I needed to come up with another answer     2. The woman who mumbled something to her friend and thinking it was directed at me, asked her to repeat what she said, at which point she says "you have beautiful eyelashes! Are they real?"... yes, yes they are. Backhanded compliment, I guess? People tell me this once a week.     3. The man who came up to Sarah and asked her for a Christian doctor, because people kept giving him the thumbs up and the LORD does not APPROVE of giving the thumbs-up when he is not at work. People kept giving him the thumbs up at random times and it's just not right but he wanted to see a Christian doctor to make sure it wasn't all in his head. He didn't want a book. Just a referral. We're a bookstore. It's definintely all in your head, dude.     4. My meltdown this morning involving one of my coworkers making a joke at my expense, only to have 3 of my other coworkers take it seriously and use it to their advantage by ripping into me. The coworker who made the joke would never hurt anyone's feelings at ALL on purpose, she's the sweetest old lady on the planet but between the original joke and the guys who took advantage of the situation to tell me that I was being a bitch this week... I tried to keep my composure but instead went to the back kitchen in cafe and cried for 10 minutes, regained my composure enough to get to the break room to tell Jill that I wanted to go home and then cried for another 15. Total. Meltdown. It had been coming, since I was so annoyed at having to stay til 12 two nights this weekend and we've been so slammed (recession? What recession? We've been SLAMMED!) that it's just overwhelming since I have so much responsibility at work. But Jill is amazing and always, always makes me laugh and I love her to death for it.     5. Two people asking me if we carry the Kindle. Bitch, please. We're a paper bookstore.     6. The cutest baby on the PLANET sitting on the floor of the store today between the two sports rows while his mom looked at books. The receiving room door is right there and I literally came out of the door and freaked out because he was so cute. I played with him for a minute, then called Mike and told HIM about the baby cause he loves babies. Then, while I was telling Jill,she told me that she actually saw me stroke out about the baby, apparently, cause when I told her about it she was like "Yeaaaaaah I saw you as I was coming around the corner". Later, Mike asked me if the baby was wearing a baseball shirt (which e was) and said that he couldn't get out from behind the register but when the baby's mom came up in line, he KNEW this was the baby I was talking about. We're awesome like that. * Boy did GOOD for Christmas. Took me out to my favorite restaurant in Lexington (Sal's) and got me a beautiful watch. He spoils me. And loves me. It's amazing how much love is in his eyes when he looks at me. It almost unnerving. Almost. * I left Lexington about 8 hours ago and I've talked to him twice and I already miss him like crazy. I'm not going to be able to do the long distance thing. I just can't. I need to be with him in the same city or... not be with him at all. * I took the "gifted" test like, 4 years in a row and always missed it by one point. They never did let me in. I am not motivated enough to do work above the ABSOLUTE BARE MINIMUM. This means I never did my homework in high school, which means I went to summer school for math all 4 years of high school. Who's a bum? Me. How did I end up with a boy that puts school in higher priority than EVERYTHING else? Eh? * I want to see my friends so badly. I love them. I've known them since I was in early elementary and it just works so well.

	2008.12.10  08.55 Everyone else is getting married and having babies and getting their graduate degrees. I'm going to the gym.

	2008.11.29  00.03 I don't think there's anything more terrifying than the first conflict with a boyfriend. I'm freaking out, and it wasn't even anything major. Sigh.